All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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