I can't breathe out the right side of my face
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
