I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
