There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
