Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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