You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
