found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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