Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
