Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
