living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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