time to smoke my breakfast
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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