Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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