if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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