We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize