my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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