My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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