That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
