I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
