His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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