mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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