Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
