Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
