Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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