bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
