rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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