happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
being pregnant is like rehab
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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