hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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