THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize