what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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