i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
How does one acquire holy water?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
