So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
