I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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