I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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