I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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