Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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