i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
