apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
