Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
