My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
