I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
