I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
porn star boner night. come get it.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Randomize
