I'm pants shitting drunk right now
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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