so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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