she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize