what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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