i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
