Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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