I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
