So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
