The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
