I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
