I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
