There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
