C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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