just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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