My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
