Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
ok first of all what the fuck
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
